See the Human First
Updated: Oct 11
What The Power of Mattering taught me about noticing people and making sure they know they matter
Every once in a while, I read a book at exactly the right time.
The Power of Mattering by Zach Mercurio was one of those books.
The premise sounds incredibly simple:
People need to know they matter.
Not just that their work matters.
Not just that they're productive.
Not just that they're meeting deadlines, accomplishing goals or making our lives easier.
They matter.
As human beings.
Mercurio organizes this idea around three core practices:
Noticing — truly seeing and hearing people.
Affirming — showing people how their unique gifts and contributions make a difference.
Needing — helping people understand that they are valued and that their presence matters.
Simple concepts.
But as I read, I kept thinking about how easy they can be to lose in the busyness of work.
Deadlines loom.
Meetings pile up.
Something becomes urgent.
And without ever intending to, we can start seeing the work before we see the human being doing it.
The Assessment Told Me Something
One of the resources accompanying the book is a Mattering Self-Assessment for Leaders.
Of course, I took it.
My scores were:
Noticing: 18 out of 25
Affirming: 23 out of 25
Needing: 25 out of 25
I'll admit, I was proud of those scores.
Making sure people understand their value and know how much they contribute is something I've intentionally practiced for years. So seeing strong scores in Affirming and Needing felt good.
But you know which number interested me most?
18.
Noticing.
Clearly, I had room to grow.
And isn't that why we take assessments in the first place?
Not so we can get a perfect score and congratulate ourselves.
We take them to learn something.
That 18 made me think more deeply about what it actually means to notice another person.
Am I really paying attention?
Am I listening, or am I waiting for my opportunity to respond?
Do I notice when someone's energy changes?
Do I ask the second question?
Do I pay attention to what someone might need even when they aren't explicitly asking for it?
An assessment can tell me what I think I do.
Real life tells me whether I actually do it.
And shortly after reading the book, real life gave me an opportunity to practice.
See the Human First
A colleague I care about deeply went through a challenging season.
The circumstances aren't mine to share.
What I can share is something I kept reminding myself throughout the experience:
See the human first.
Not the employee.
Not the colleague.
Not the person responsible for a project or deadline.
The human being.
I knew this person was navigating an incredibly stressful situation, and I didn't want work, or worrying about work, to add another layer of stress.
So I tried to notice.
Really notice.
I paid attention.
I listened.
I tried to be perceptive about their emotions and what they might need.
I asked appropriate questions, not because I needed information, but because I wanted to understand.
I put time on their calendar simply to check in and lend an ear.
There was no work agenda.
No list of things I needed.
No underlying question of:
How quickly will you be back in the office?
I also sent a text reminding them that I was there and encouraging them to take the time they needed.
And at one point, I told this person something I deeply believe:
"You are the heartbeat of our office."
Because they are.
But I also realized there was a potential contradiction in saying that.
If someone is incredibly important to your team, telling them how much they're needed could unintentionally create even more pressure to return.
That was the last thing I wanted.
I wanted them to be okay.
Whatever "okay" looked like.
However long it took.
I wanted them to have the time and space they needed so that when they did return, they could do so comfortably.
Their wellbeing mattered more to me than their return date.
"We Need What You Do" Is Different From "We Need You"
That experience helped me understand the idea of mattering at an even deeper level.
There is a significant difference between telling someone:
We need what you do.
And telling them:
We need you.
The first is about productivity.
The second is about the person.
If someone truly is the heartbeat of your office, telling them so shouldn't make them feel guilty for being away.
It should mean:
You are important enough to us that we want you to take care of yourself. We'll figure out the rest.
Work can be redistributed.
Meetings can be covered.
Deadlines can sometimes be adjusted.
Other people can step up.
But the human being in front of us isn't interchangeable.
Sometimes leadership means making absolutely certain they know that.
Noticing Doesn't Always Mean Fixing
There was another lesson in this experience for me.
Noticing a person doesn't mean I have to solve their problem.
That's hard for many of us.
Someone we care about is struggling, and our instinct is to make it better.
What can I do?
How can I fix this?
What's the solution?
But some things aren't ours to fix.
Sometimes the most valuable thing we can offer another person is our presence.
Listen.
Notice.
Ask.
Give them grace.
Check in again.
And resist the temptation to turn the conversation back toward work.
Sometimes there is enormous power in simply communicating:
I'm here. You don't have to perform for me.
Be the Person You Needed
There was another thought running through my mind during this experience.
One of my personal philosophies is:
Be the person you wish you had.
I've experienced difficult seasons of my own.
There were times when people saw the human being before everything else.
I remember those people.
There were also times when I needed more of that than I received.
I remember those experiences too.
I can't go backward and change them.
But I can allow them to change me.
I know what it feels like to be struggling and still feel pressure to perform.
I also know how meaningful it can be when someone simply notices.
So when I have an opportunity to be that person for someone else, I want to take it.
Maybe that's one of the unexpected gifts of difficult experiences.
They can make us more perceptive.
But only if we're paying attention.
Mattering Happens in Small Moments
We sometimes make leadership much more complicated than it needs to be.
We talk about strategies, competencies, organizational structures, performance metrics and leadership philosophies.
Those things have their place.
But leadership also happens in incredibly ordinary moments.
Putting 30 minutes on someone's calendar because you sense they might need to talk.
Remembering something they told you.
Noticing when someone's behavior changes.
Asking the second question instead of accepting the automatic, "I'm fine."
Sending the text.
Listening without trying to solve.
Telling someone exactly why they make a difference.
Saying:
Take the time you need. We've got this.
None of those things require a leadership title.
They require attention.
And maybe that's why my 18 in Noticing has stayed with me more than my 25 in Needing.
The 25 affirmed something I already knew was important to me.
The 18 gave me somewhere to grow.
I'm Proud of How I Showed Up
Afterward, I reflected on how I handled this particular situation.
And I'm proud of myself.
Not because I think I did everything perfectly.
Clearly, I have room to grow. My assessment told me that.
I'm proud because when someone I cared about was going through something difficult, I behaved in a way that aligned with the person I want to be.
I saw the human first.
I cared, not because a leadership book told me to, and certainly not because I thought caring would somehow produce a better business outcome.
I cared because this person mattered to me.
The book gave me better language and tools for practicing something I already deeply believed.
And it gave me something else:
An area where I can become better.
Because the goal isn't to score 25 on an assessment.
The goal is to keep getting better at how we show up for people.
Will we notice?
Will we listen?
Will we make space?
Will we tell people how much they contribute?
Will we remind them that they're needed without making their value dependent on what they produce?
Will we see the employee?
Or will we see the human?
I know which one I want to see first.
And apparently, I have seven points worth of opportunity to keep practicing.
Always see the human first.
Want to explore your own mattering practices?Zach Mercurio offers a Mattering Self-Assessment for Leaders that looks at how we practice Noticing, Affirming and Needing. I highly recommend taking it and perhaps more importantly, thinking about how those scores show up in your everyday interactions.
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